Nov. 10, 1996
A diagnosis of cancer is one of the most emotional events a person can experience. Suddenly everything that existed before shifts and the world will never be the same again. That doesn't necessarily mean that it will not be better... depending on what an individual chooses to do with their world. Cancer is a wake-up call and once awakened to our mortality, we lose the innocence of belief in immortality.
In August of 1994, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. At first, learning that I have a life-threatening illness was devastating. But then I realized that I need to look - not at how to deal with dying, but with how to deal with living.
The initial events after a diagnosis involve decisions, treatments, and often surgeries. The focus of the medical people, friends and family are on the illness and the prognosis. A protocol is determined, followed, and eventually there is an end to the treatment.
The person realizes they are locked alone in their body with themselves and the specter of cancer. Whether it's in remission, or has been removed, the person is going about their life, with more than normal follow-up exams from the medical team, and life is supposed to go "back to normal."
"Back to normal" means not only more frequent exams, but it means living with the aches and pains that come from the treatment... the surgery, the chemo, the radiation, all leave their reminders, the physical discomfort. Each day carries with it the possibility of discovering a recurrence of the cancer.
The hair grows back, the incisions heal, and the radiation burns subside. The physical changes caused by the chemicals used to kill any stray cancer cells become chronic background noise and the incredible fatigue fades. And at this point, the army of support that has been there through the ordeal moves on with their lives, and the battle shifts into the background.
It can feel like abandonment to suddenly be at a place where the visits with the medical support move further and further apart, when family and friends move on with other things in their life and no longer ask regularly how you are feeling. Suddenly there is an awareness that the only person responsible for your wellness is you. At this point, life can begin with a new passion.
I discovered that behind the dark cloud of being a cancer patient lurked the shining light of being a cancer survivor.
Almost two years past the end of my treatment, with more energy than I've had in over a decade, I am enjoying life every minute of the day and counting my blessings. I realize that I am a warrior... a mage... a SURVIVOR! I locked horns with the dragon of dis-ease, and with the skill and support of my medical team, I won!
The silver lining is that I no longer worry about my mortal life and regret the things I've never made the time to do. I make time to do the things that are important. I tell people how much they mean to me now, not later.
I've learned how to appreciate every precious moment. I've learned how to live more fully than I ever have before. I feel that in some ways, being a cancer survivor gives me an advantage. I KNOW the black cloud is there. I check for signs of trouble. Before my diagnosis, it never occurred to me that I could ever get cancer since I had none of the factors that increase the possibility. Now I know there is a possibility, and I pay attention.
The black cloud is always there. Have you ever noticed that it is never as cold on a cloudy night as it is on a clear night? The clouds keep the warmth close to the earth. You never see a rainbow in the sky unless there are clouds. Clouds to block the brightness and heat of the sun on a very hot day. A warm, overcast day is my favorite; the sun is warm, and the cloud carries the ever present possibility of a rainbow... the magical result of the way a cloud transforms a beam of light into a beautiful spectrum of color. Much like the cloud of dis-ease transformed the bright light of my life into a beautiful spectrum of a life filled with color, wonder, and love.
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