July 13, 1998
Discovery
By my 46th year, I decided that "old age" finally caught up with me. It seemed to be the only explaination for the fact that I just didn't have the energy I once enjoyed. Although I'd recently recovered from a lengthy bout with hepatitis (Type A actually caught at a public restaurant!!) and a disabling back injury (two ruptured discs from lifting a box of books), I just couldn't "get going." I'd have brief periods of feeling better, but they were short-lived and most of the time, although I'd kept a fairly hectic pace, I was often tired.
I'd go to work and about mid-morning, when the smokers were taking a cigarette break, I'd go out to my car with a small timer and sleep for 20 minutes. Not a light dozing - I used the timer to wake me because I'd go into a deep sleep. That usually refreshed me for the rest of the day... until I could go home about 4pm and lay down for a 30 to 45 minute nap. Often my focus was on my next nap. But I knew I was getting older and I believed that when you get older, you slow down.
Soon after my 49th birthday, I dragged my weary body to my doctor, convinced that it must be menopause complicating the "old age" that was causing me to feel so tired. He did a complete exam and ordered a blood test to see if I was "pre-menopausal." The test indicated that I hadn't started menopause yet, so he said he wanted to see me again in 3 months for a follow-up visit.
About 6 weeks later, I woke up one morning with an almost compulsive desire to get a tattoo. I'd never had a tattoo, and frankly, had never wanted one. Yet about 3 days after the idea presented itself, I was in a tattoo parlor having a beautiful, stylized yin-yang permanently drawn on my left breast.
As the tattoo healed, a thin, colorful scab covered the design, and I tenderly touched it. Almost immediately, I noticed a lump under the area where the tattoo was. I had thickening in my breast before, as I went through my monthly cycles. Since I also had a history of fibercystic disease, I decided to just keep an eye on it.
I had an internal argument between the internal "knowing" that told me this was serious and the optimistic inner voice that reminded me that I'd had lumps before, that most lumps are benign. The argument was unresolved until the final diagnosis.
A few weeks later, it was unchanged, which was unusual. In the past, thickenings in my breast tissue changed as my body went through its monthly cycle. I made an appointment to go back to see my doctor, but because of a health problem he was having, the appointment was canceled.
Since everything else seemed to be okay, I considered just not going back to see him. But the lump was a nagging concern, so I called and scheduled another appointment with him. I decided it would be better to go on in and allay my concern, and silence the voice in the back of my mind that told me that this was serious.
Anxiety
When my doctor examined the lump, he was immediately concerned. It was of a significant size, and it had only been a few months since he had done a breast examination on me. He referred me to a surgeon, and ordered a mammogram.
I saw him on a Friday afternoon, and the mammogram was done the following Monday. I was able to schedule an appointment with a surgeon the next Friday. I picked up the x-rays midweek to take with me to the surgeon's office.
Diagnosis
The mammogram was negative... it showed nothing unusual. But after examining me, the surgeon suggested a needle biopsy. It was scheduled the following Monday morning. The results came in on Tuesday. The biopsy showed malignant cells, but it was unclear if it was lymphoma or carcinoma.
My experience with these possibilities was limited. In 1985, my 14-year old niece was diagnosed with lymphoma, and she died two years later at the age of 16, after extensive and traumatic chemotherapy and radiation treatments. In 1991, a dear friend was diagnosed with breast cancer... a carcinoma. She, too underwent extensive treatment. Her cancer metastasized, and she died in 1993. Either possibility terrified me. Either possibility seemed to indicate a two year sentence. Then I realized that I could deal with this my own way.
Surgery - Biopsy and Lumpectomy
The following Friday, after several other preliminary tests, I went in for a lumpectomy. The biopsy showed that I had a carcinoma, that there was lymphatic involvement, but there were also clean margins.
The recovery from the trauma of the surgery itself was very simple. The surgeon was WONDERFUL! She did a great job, and my physical discomfort was minimal. The emotional trauma, however was more complicated. Who I was up till that point seemed to transform. I became someone else. I became a cancer patient... a person with a life-threatening illness. And my perspective of life changed.
Reflection
It was necessary to do another surgery - an axillary dissection to determine if the lymph nodes were involved. I had been planning to go on a family cruise that summer for several years. I decided that the second surgery would have to be postponed a couple of weeks until I returned from my vacation. That choice also gave me an opportunity to spend some time with my family. There were 22 family and friends in our group on the cruise. It also provided the opportunity to be rested and more at peace with what was happening to me.
Surgery Again - Axillary Dissection
Days after I arrived home from the Caribbean, I was admitted into the hospital for surgery. Emotionally, I was rested and relaxed for the surgery, and was managing the condition fairly easily. My surgical team once again gave me care far surpassing my expectations.
Physically, I experienced manageable discomfort. The device attached to drain the incision site was the most annoying part of recovering from the surgery. A week after the surgery, I was able to raise my hand over my head. I felt positive about the situation, and my recovery from the surgery was rapid.
The bad news was that two of the eight lymph nodes were positive.
Chemotherapy
The first chemotherapy treatment was as traumatic as the initial diagnosis. The impact shook me to the core. As I felt the chemicals entering my body, I realized for the first time that I was really sick! Up till that time, I'd held the cancer as an injury. It showed up as a "thing"... a lump. It had been treated with injuries... a needle biopsy and two surgeries... things done TO my body. Suddenly, I was aware that this wasn't just a "thing" like a cut or a pimple. This is a disease, and it's infected my whole body! The feelings that came up for me are indescribable!
I was taking cyclophosphamide (Cytoxan), methotrexate and 5-flurouracil (5-FU) This combination is called CMF. I did a bit of research on these chemicals, and this is what I discovered:
Cytoxan is a chemotherapy agent usually given by slow intra-veinous infusion. Side effects of the therapy include nausea and vomiting, low blood counts posing a risk for bleeding or infection, hair loss, metallic taste, loss of appetite, bladder irritation with pain or burning when urine is passed and sores, redness or swelling of the mouth.
Methotrexate is an anti-metabolite that works by interfering with cell nutrition. The drug is a clear yellow fluid which be given intra-veinously, by injection into a muscle, or taken as a pill. Side effects are low blood counts, mouth sores, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and skin rashes.
5-flurouracil(5-FU) is one of the oldest chemotherapy drugs, and has been around and in use, for decades. 5-FU is a clear and colorless liquid, and is given by intravenous route. The life span of 5-FU in blood and body tissues is very short and limited to minutes. 5-FU binds to an enzyme inside of the cancer cells called Thymidilate Synthetase and thereby exerts its anti cancer effect on the cells. Leucovorin enhances the binding of 5-FU to this enzyme and as a result prolongs the life span of 5-FU within the cancer cells, resulting in a greater anti cancer effect. The degree and severity of the side effects depend on the amount and schedule of the administration of 5-FU. Following are some of the most common and important ill effects are; soreness of the mouth, difficulty swallowing, diarrhea, stomach pain, low white blood counts, low platelet counts, anemia, sensitive skin (to sun exposure), excessive tear formation from the eyes.
This particular chemotherapy combination was associated with an increase in survival of 8-12% in those patients who were treated compared to a no-treatment control population.
Although I knew the drugs I was taking probably would not cause total hair loss, there was a significant amount of loss. Over the course of several months, my hair was cut several times, increasingly getting shorter. I got my hair cut so the loss wouldn't be as noticeable. Still, I'd wash my hair and see locks in my hands. I knew the hair loss wasn't really noticeable to others, but it depressed me when I washed my hair to see how much came out. I figured that if I got it short enough, I wouldn't notice it anymore. Eventually, it was short enough that I could wash it and the hair that fell out was too short for me to notice.
Radiation Therapy
After my chemotherapy was started, I began radiation therapy. The RT process was intense at first... x-rays and measurements to set up the field to be radiated took a couple of hours. Then it was verified the next day, when tattoos were etched onto my chest to define the treatment area.
Then, it was simply a matter of going to the hospital every day for a treatment. The daily process usually took a total of 15 minutes, with weekly weighings, blood tests, and consultations with my radiation oncologist.
The chemotherapy treatments continued, though one of the chemicals was eliminated while I was getting RT.
As I progressed through the treatments toward the goal of a total of 33, my skin in the treatment area became red and dry, then blistered from the radiation burns. My breast became painful and I started to feel tired.
The fatigue increased as the burns began to heal, and I reached a point of total exhaustion - there was nothing I could do but lay in bed. Even after the treatment was completed, the fatigue continued to increase.
Recovery
Part of the recovery process was reaching an awareness that we are NOT human beings on a spiritual path, but are instead Spiritual Beings on a human path. Such a subtle but important twist of reality. Another important factor was recognizing that doctors are the consultants, but I am the expert about my body and my healing. They can facilitate healing, but only the Divine energy within me can create it.
When I went back to work, I wrote "Risking Power With a Life Sentence" to share the insight I had discovered on my journey.
On February 21, 1995, I went to a follow-up visit with my surgeon, who said everything looked good and ordered a base-line mammogram the following week. Two days later, I finished my last chemotherapy treatment. It was an incredible relief to reach that point. I was told that now I would be monitored closely for two years; that the likelihood of a recurrence was greatest in the first two years. I felt even more that I was living inside a time-bomb.
On March 1, I went to the doctor about a skin eruption, and learned that it was shingles, a disorder associated with childhood episodes of chicken pox. It occurs often with people who have been treated for cancer, brought on by the stress. He prescribed a new drug, acyclovir, and within 24 hours, the symptoms eased.
During the month of March, my energy steadily increased. I became concerned when I noticed that some of my friends seemed to be slowing down just as I was feeling better. They were close to my age, and when I noticed them becoming tired so easily, I was first concerned for their health. Then I realized that they were NOT slowing down at all… I was speeding up as my energy increased.
I found myself doing things I hadn't been able to do in years. I began teaching again and enrolled in a line-dancing class. I kept a busy schedule, and enjoyed the activity. All of these things added to my optimistic view of the future.
That seemed to be a turning point in my discovery of my own internal power. I have been increasing my activity ever since, and find fulfillment in the moments of every day. It's been interesting to realize that appreciation of the moment has nothing to do with dealing with a life-threatening illness. It has to do with becoming awake.
I'd been told that the most likely time for a recurrence was within the first two years after diagnosis. When I enjoyed a private, personal celebration when I reached that milestone, I realized how totally breast cancer was a part of my past - not my present.
The Inner Knowing
In December, 1996, two years and four months after a diagnosis of breast cancer - less than two years after completing treatment for the disease, I was diagnosed with Grave's Disease - hyperactive thyroid. My doctor sent me for a thyroid scan to confirm the diagnosis and eliminate the possibility of the problem being the less severe sub-acute thyroiditis. The scan confirmed the diagnosis of Graves Disease.
I was then told I needed to have a "radioactive cocktail" to kill my thyroid to treat the disease. My inner knowing screamed! I said that was not acceptable to me. I asked if the thyroid could heal itself, and was told that wasn't possible.
About a month later, I went to my oncologist for a regular followup visit, and the blood test included a check of my thyroid, which also indicated the presence of Grave's Disease. I talked to him about my concerns and my resistance to a treatment as radical as more radiation. I made a decision that I would not have the treatment.
Several months later, I went back to the doctor who had diagnosed the thyroid problem, for a different problem. He asked me what I was going to do about the thyroid, and I told him "nothing." He became very angry and suggested that if I wouldn't follow his advise (orders), he would consider having me go to another physician. (He hardly looked at the problem I went to him about.) He asked to do another blood test, which I allowed.
Two days later, he began calling me about the results. He left messages at work and at home. Finally, I was out of meetings for a while, so I called him back reluctantly. (He didn't seem to understand that the treatment was NOT negotiable.)
When I got him on the phone, he said, "I got the results back on your blood test. I don't know what happened, but you no longer have a hyperactive thyroid. In fact, it's now hypoactive. I'm so glad you didn't have the treatment."
I was certainly surprised at his statement, though not at all surprised at the results. Because of his anger and frustration over the situation, I changed physicians. In December, 1997, I went in for a routine physical, and explained the situation to the new doctor. (I also had the medical records.) He tested my thyroid, and found to be absolutely normal.
After being told that I had a problem, and that I needed to use radical treatment to correct it, I had a "knowing" inside that it would be okay. I've learned to recognize that knowing… it's an awareness that seems to come from deep within myself. It's the awareness that I, like all of us, have within me that spark of Divinity that holds the Power To Heal.
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Last updated August 22, 2006 by Santini.